Hairline Fractures
by Iskeirka
Summary: Have you ever laughed at all those little glitches and stupid things? I sure have. Here is a series of oneshots about little things I found funny.
1. Justice is Served

**A/N: I was thinking about the guards and justice system in Oblivion one day, and wanted to write something about it. So, this little scenario came into my head and I thought I'd write it down. **

**This story'll be a space for any stupid little oneshots I come up with about Oblivion, the Shivering Isles and Knights of the Nine. Enjoy!**

**Reviews are always loved**

**The first one is based on a comic I read a while ago. I thought it was hilarious ^_^**

Number One: Justice is Served

_Twang. Whoosh. Thok._

This sequence repeated until the Dunmer man looked like a humanoid porcupine, and he fell, gasping, to his knees. The two guards that had been following rushed over, drawing their swords. A little girl cowered in terror as they hacked and slashed the man to pieces. Later on she would swear that their eyes had glowed with manic glee all the while.

The man gasped and gurgled, making hideous sounds, rasped in his last breath, and was silent. The guards, their job done. Looked up and found a little girl standing, watching them with sheer horror on her delicate face, tears staining the ground where she stood. The face of one guard lit up in understanding, and he handed her a bloodstained doll that was on the thief's body. She stared at the doll in her hands as the guards returned to their posts.

"Justice" was served once more.

**Aren't those guards completely unrealistic? I swear they **_**want **_**to kill me…O_O**

**Please review! More coming soon!**


	2. These Things Happen

**A/N: Glad to know at least one person is enjoying this! So, this one's about a little glitch that happens if you spend too much time in Skingrad. Basically, Shum gro-Yarug has a tendency to just fall off of the castle bridge for no particular reason. Very short, but I hope you enjoy all the same!**

Number Two: These Things Happen

An Imperial woman strolled along the bridge leading to Castle Skingrad, deep in thought. She was obviously from wealth, but what most people didn't know is that she had very recently made a large sum of money. This was all due to her quick rise through the ranks of the Thieves Guild. She barely even knew why she was in the guild, but it got her money, so she didn't care. The Imperial was greedy, you see.

Anyway, she was on her way to Castle Skingrad to buy a house. She had learnt that a grand manor named Rosethorn Hall was available for purchase from the castle steward, Shum gro-Yarug. She had met the man several times before, but now he _had _to think better of her. He had been so rude…

She smirked, squinting into the mist. She could see a figure walking towards her, and thought she could recognise him…yes; it was the castle steward himself! Perfect!

She walked faster, beaming and thinking that very soon she would be living in perfect comfort. She was about to greet him, when he listed to the side of the bridge.

"Watch out!" She called, as he set foot over the edge. "You'll fa-"

_Whoosh._

_Thump._

_Crack._

The Imperial peered over the edge, wincing at what she saw. He was dead, his limbs sticking out at impossible angles.

She sighed, and turned around. She had so wanted that house…

Oh well, these things happen. And Benirus Manor was always available…

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Next one will be set in the Shivering Isles.**


	3. Run Amuck

A/N: Yay, people like this! If anyone has any ideas, feel free to contact me; I'm running out!

Part Three: Run Amuck

A figure raced down the streets of Bliss, a group of Aureal racing after it. A girl watching from the side-lines sighed, running a hand through her bubblegum pink hair.

"Oh, Big-Head, not again…" She sighed. The Argonian had probably stolen a fork and was refusing to give it back or pay for his crime. _Again. _Last time he had barely escaped with his life, and the girl feared the worst for this time.

_Twang. Whoosh. Clatter_

Thankfully that round of arrows hadn't gotten him. But the next probably would…

_Thud. Shhhhck._

An Aureal jumped out of a doorway, drawing her golden sword as she did so. She jumped into the raging Argonians path, brandishing her sword at him.

_Sqshhhckt._

The sound of a sword sheathing itself in a body rang out across the eerie silence of the sunny courtyard. The Aureal tugged the sword from Big-Head's body, leaving said body to rot on the ground until the cleaning crew did their rounds.

The figure with the pink hair sighed. Now who was she going to give this stupid Fork to?!

A/N: Due to a bug in the game, if you have the unpatched version Big-Head will steal forks until he dies. That happened to me; I looking for him to give the Fork to him, and then I see him racing across a courtyard with about five Aureal in tow!


	4. Years Go By

A/N: Yay, people are still reading this! Enjoy!

Fourth Fracture: Years Go By

The Orc stood in Castle Skingrad County Hall, wondering where on Nirn that Argonian had gotten to. He had arrived the previous day to give the Count the vampirism cure, but once it had been administered he had been sent away and told to return the next day. Now he had informed Hal-Liurz of his visit, but that had been over two hours ago and she still hadn't returned! He had seen her go out of the castle proper and into the courtyard, and thought he saw her go into the chamber the Count's late wife was kept in. That was when the Adventurer decided to check the stone chamber for any sign of the Argonian. He strolled out into the courtyard and through the still-open doorway of the great chamber.

He found the Argonian standing, facing a far corner. The Adventurer tried to talk to her, and she turned around.

"You wait here and I'll inform the Count of your visit," she said. The man shrugged, and walked out of the castle to complete one of his other quests.

***

A year later the same Adventurer returned to Castle Skingrad once more. He found the door to the chamber open. He walked inside once again, only to find the same Argonian face down on the floor. He turned her over, and she opened her eyes. Her face was gaunt, and her skin shrivelled. Her breathing rasped, and she peered at him.

"You wait here…and I'll…inform…the Count…of…your…visit…" she rasped.

Those were her last words. The Adventure groaned. Now how was he going to get that reward?

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A/N: That happened with my level 25 character, minus the dying. Now I can't exploit the reward glitch…

Speaking of reward glitch, that'll be mentioned later ^_^


	5. A Whole Lot of Flailing

**A/N: I just realised that I've been neglecting this, which is annoying seeing as I enjoy writing it. Anyway, have another one. We all know what happens when you drag bodies into doorways and shut the door, right?**

Fifth Fracture: A Whole Lot of Flailing

The Breton stared. That couldn't be natural, and by all rights it wasn't even physically possible! All she had done was shut the door. Sure, there had been a body in the way, but she just thought it would act like a doorstop. But no, instead the door had sunk _through _the body of the guard she had killed.

And now it was flailing around like a goblin on Skooma. How could a _dead body _be _doing _that?

The Breton found another body and dragged it into the doorway. She slammed the door shut, and watched it flail around. Grinning, she opened and shut the door again.

Hours of fun for everybody.

**A/N: If anyone has any ideas for more glitches, that would be much appreciated. Anyway, hope you liked it!**


	6. Just Like Magic

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for the ideas! God, I'm sorry for not updating, but things came up (read: I was lazy) and I couldn't update. So this one's about the magical non-opening doors. Enjoy!**

**Sixth Fracture: Just Like Magic**

"Huh, that's odd," the Argonian muttered to herself. "Wasn't there someone there a little while ago?"

She looked around, green tail swishing behind her.

"I didn't hear the door open…"

She was sure there had been someone in the room with her a little while ago, but couldn't seem to pinpoint where they had gotten to. There was nowhere to hide, and the doors had horrible squeaky hinges, so they couldn't have left. The only logical answer was that they hadn't been there in the first place and that the Argonian had imagined it.

"Oh well, I'll look for her later," she muttered.

Behind the muttering Argonian, a figure faded into existence in the doorway, accompanied by a soft clicking sound.

"Hello! I brought lunch," the figure exclaimed, tapping the Argonian on the back.

The lizard whipped around, going wide-eyed for a second before relaxing.

"Oh, hello there," she said.

She frowned for a moment as she followed the new arrival.

"That's odd; I didn't hear you come in."


	7. Praise the Nine for Painters!

**Seventh Fracture: Praise the Nine for Painters!**

The Bosmer checked her satchel for the brushes, making sure she had enough. Her father ran a courier agency, and while things generally went smoothly, sometimes they ran short on hands and she had to help out. The girl was about to head out the door on a run from Bravil to Chorrol, then through the Imperial City to Cheydinhal. "Thank the Nine for water-walking spells," she muttered, knowing how much time crossing Lake Rumare would cut off her journey. She had no idea why, but apparently painting had become a popular past-time as of late. Her bag was almost completely full of paint brushes, with only a little room left for a change of clothes, a list of addresses and some food. Satisfied that everything was in order, the girl set out the door.

Some hours later, she was just setting out from Chorrol to the Imperial City when her foot caught on a rock, sending her flying. Time slowed down as she fell, flailing, to the ground, her bag following her, pouring its contents through the air in an absurd windmill of brushes. The girl landed on her hands and knees, her palms stinging and her eyes watering slightly from the pain. She would have to use some of the water from her bottle to clean the grazes, and that would take precious time. Time which would be further stolen away from collecting all the paintbrushes that must have poured…everywhere…?

The Bosmer stared at the strange sight before her eyes. All through the air, brushes were scattered as if hanging by an invisible thread. She blinked a few times, making sure that her sight wasn't playing tricks, before walking cautiously over to the cloud of brushes and picking one up. It looked normal, and it certainly _felt _normal, but when she let go it just hung in the air along with the others, unmoving. The girl tried to move through the brushes, but when she walked forwards, the strange items didn't even budge. It was only when she picked them up with her fingers that they could move again. Grinning, she began to form a rudimentary platform, carefully testing her weight on the strange surface. It held. By this point her smile stretched from ear to ear.

"I wonder if I could make it up to the top of White Gold Tower…"


End file.
